Splitting the Holidays Between Families in Different States

Growing up in small town North Carolina, I never imagined that I would spend Christmas anywhere but there. And living half way across the country, sharing holidays between two families…yea…I would have laughed in your face. BUT! Here we are! And that is our situation. Not ideal. For either family. But it’s what works for this stage in our life given Tom’s job.

jeans // top // vest // boots

SO. Speaking of “what works”. Let’s talk about the holidays. A time of the year that can get extremely tense even if both families live right down the street from one another. So imagine having two very loving families who live 15 hours apart. YIKES! What to do?!?!

Well this is something that has evolved a little over the years and will probably continue to do so going forward.

When Tom and I were dating (which has always been long distance), we would spend Thanksgivings together but Christmas with our respective families. We alternated Thanksgiving. One year was with his family. The next year was with mine. And then Christmas we would spend with our own families and fly to see each other just after. Luckily I was in grad school and he was in the off season of baseball, so we were both “off” through New Years. So New Years was our holiday together.

Once we were engaged we decided to set a “schedule.” We talked and this is what we decided on:

• Most importantly, we would ALWAYS be together on the holidays. Every holiday.
• We can’t realistically spend every holiday with both families. But Christmas is really important to see both families. So we will do our best to always make that one work.
• Thanksgiving – we alternate every year. We are either with his family in St Louis or my family in North Carolina.
• Christmas – we manage to see both. Which ever family did NOT see us on Thanksgiving gets us for actual Christmas. So we spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with one family, and then, no matter where we are, we leave on the 26th to go spend the rest of December and New Years with the other family.

So that’s what we’ve been doing now for 6 years! And so far it has worked. Even with a kiddo (or two ;). Now that Parker is getting older it is a little more of a challenge. This is the first year we are discussing Santa Clause and where he will deliver his gifts. We are revisiting the situation and creating a new plan for what that will look like over the coming years. For this year, Santa will find us in NC. But also likely leave a few things in St Louis if they are too big to travel home from NC (Santa is smart you know ;). But we will see! Lets just say, Santa and Amazon have a really tight relationship!

One thing I have come to love in all of this craziness…not having to rush between multiple houses during the holidays. Each holiday is “calm”. Well as calm as any holiday can be. But we aren’t cutting visits short and scrambling around from place to place.  We’re able to give our undivided attention to whichever family we are with at the time. It has actually turned out to be quite nice!

And I have to say, I don’t think our families mind this so much any more! I’m sure it was a tough change to make right at first, but now I think everyone in the family kind of enjoys it. Our siblings, and even some cousins, have gotten on our same “schedule”. And I think it gives them a little more freedom to spend QT with just one family.   

Here are my advice tidbits for any couple in this situation:

1. Have an open discussion: And by “open” I mean minded. Open minded. This is my biggest piece of advice! You don’t HAVE to celebrate Christmas ON Christmas. Yes your mom won’t have you next to her on the third row pew at the Christmas Eve church service. But guess what? A family can celebrate Christmas, with most all the same traditions, on December 20th or 27th. Be open minded. Anything is possible in the year 2018. Any combination or way you want to slice it could work.

2. Have a little respect: For each other and your families. You’ve got two families that probably BOTH want to be with you on every holiday if they could. I’ve had people say things to me like “Well you’re the girl. Don’t you get to be with your family!?!” Huh? What? Just because he’s a dude it means he shouldn’t want to be with his family on Christmas. That’s just bizarre! He wants to be with his. And I want to be with mine. So we compromise. And lucky for us our families have compromised as well!

3. Come up with your own traditions: Remember, you’ve got two different families, two different backgrounds coming together to try to make their own way.  I quickly learned that not everyones Santa leaves presents unwrapped for a Christmas morning free-for-all. Who knew? ha ha. But it’s fun to talk about what you enjoyed from your childhood holidays and how you can incorporate that into your own.

4. Make a plan: This alleviates SOOO many discussions and tensions. Once you have a plan that you work by every year, it just becomes the norm. Your family knows what to expect. No one is guessing or asking or pulling you in a million directions. And you can buy your plane tickets early to save a little cash 😉

5. Talk with your extended family: You might be surprised! They may end up liking the idea too and jumping on board. Then you are the hero and not the thorn in everyones side 😉

6. Make Amazon your friend: Order your gifts to be delivered to a family members house. If you’re going to be in town early enough, you can order some wrapping paper too. Or you can sweet talk your momma and have her wrap them for you 😉 We also do this for essentials sometimes. Diapers. Wipes. Bath soap. anything that will be less for you to pack.

At the end of the day, don’t let the stress of a holiday season cause you to lose sight of the main objective….spending time with the ones you love…wherever that may be!

Happy Holidays

-Meghan