I Would Rather Work than Stay at Home. There. I Said It.

From the moment Parker was born there has been one thing that I’ve constantly struggled with.  One thing I’ve tried so hard to either overcome or just succumb to. And that is a mom, work life balance.  And lately this has reached its pinnacle. The last few weeks I have been in a really low place.  I’ve done a ton of soul searching and pondering the past, present, and the future. And after digging deep into the causes of my constant internal scuffle, I decided I had to write this.

I’m not writing this to say that there’s a right or a wrong way to be a mom. I’m not saying that you are a better mom if you stay at home or you are a better mom if you work. One is not “better” than the other. There is no mom shaming in this! This is actually the complete opposite. What I am saying is that it’s OK to want to work. It is OK if you do not want to be at home with your kid(s) 7 days a week. And the reason I’m saying this, is because it has taken me 2 years, numerous melt downs, sob sessions, and soul searching to even convince myself that this is in fact OK. 

My entire life, I’ve known I was not made to be a stay at home mom.  It was actually something I proclaimed very loudly to Tom when we first met. He was raised in a family of 4 boys, his mom stayed at home, and did an amazing freaking job of it! But I’ve always known that I wasn’t capable of doing so. And I wanted him to be OK with that early on. {Which he was.} It’s not that I didn’t/don’t like kids. I actually spent the majority of my childhood and college life babysitting. Very few people know this, but just after I graduated from dental school and moved to Rhode Island with Tom, I nannied until my Massachusetts dental license was active.  I was a dentist, nannying for two families. Try to explain that one. ha ha. But it kept me busy and of course I grew REALLY close to both families. I still keep in touch with both of them and love them dearly. So, yea. I like kids. But maybe all of these experiences are what solidified my desire to work outside the home? Maybe I knew, all too well, what exactly it requires to be at home with kids 24/7.

So over the last 2 years I’ve tried so hard to fight the inevitable. Being married to a pro athlete isn’t really conducive to working. Especially not when your career requires you to be licensed by state and you move 3 times a year. It is darn near impossible to work. But trust me…I’ve tried.

Shortly after Parker was born I found myself totally and completely bored.

I was at home with her, in Missouri, I knew only a handful of people, and my husband was gone a lot. It was winter in Missouri so I didn’t really want to venture out, especially not with a new baby. I had three sister-in-laws who were all working at the time and my mom and sister lived 15 hours away. I had an easy peasy baby who slept 10 hours at night by 8 weeks old (no I’m not complaining!) and was a great eater (and sleeper) during the day.  Needless to say, I quickly found myself lonely, under-stimulated and just wanting to shop and renovate our house. So Parker was born in October and I called my office begging to go back to work in January. Which I did! With a 2.5 month old, I went back to a dental office 45 minutes from home.  And although it was a struggle leaving early and getting home late, a little part of me felt whole again.

Then comes February and we moved to Florida for spring training, followed by Boston in April for baseball season. And in Boston I thought it would be better. I surely would be content staying at home, right? We had a ton of friends. I adored all the girls on the team. We hung out regularly and there were lots of kids. But after a few months I was back to my same semi-depressed self. Tom would be gone on the road for 10 days and come home with a totally shocked look on his face. “Ummmmm did you wash any clothes while I was gone? Did you shower? I see that you fed Parker and took care of her, but did you clean up anything?” And not that he was hounding me to keep a clean house or look a certain way. He was 100% justified in his questions. Because for 10 days I have not a clue in hell what I did? I had a baby who took 2 3-hour naps each day. And sometimes I had a babysitter so I could go workout. So what was I doing? I have no idea!! In hindsight – I think I was borderline depressed.

So Tom and I worked hard for weeks to get me back to work again. We had it all figured out. I found an office that was amazing and open to any help they could get. I was going to work on the days Tom was out of town so we could still be a family when he was home. We had an amazing nanny who would come to the house, and our neighbor next door, who was home with her kids, was a resource if we needed one. I was all set to work part of August and into September and October. On July 31st Tom was traded to New York. To say my dreams were crushed is an understatement.

On to New York we go and this is where SoLayne Designs was born (another story for another day). So this beautiful second baby of mine has kept me busy ever since. And now that we’re back at home, SLD is functioning at a level I never imagined, and we have the most amazing nanny ever…I’m heading back to work AGAIN. So I know what you’re thinking….ok lady. What’s the problem? And what the heck is the purpose of this blog post?

The problem is the guilt I feel for NOT wanting to be at home with Parker.

A guilt that lately has been darn near suffocating. Its the kind of non-stop turmoil in my head that makes it so clouded and foggy that I have a short fuse with my child. Because I’m constantly trying to figure out WHY I wouldn’t want to be at home with her. What is it that is so un-fulfilling for me? Why is it that every time I have the “opportunity” to stay at home its never enough? Why can’t I just be content nurturing my greatest creation? Why is it that raising a human to be a kind person, watching them grow and learn, guiding them to be a contributing piece of society isn’t enough for me?

I’ve thought through it all. Is it because I have 6 figures of student loan debt and me not working actually cost our family money? Is it because God didn’t bless me with the patience of Mother Teresa and after the 3rd time I have to bargain with a 2 year old to eat her breakfast I want to blow a gasket on someone and its only 9am? Is it because I’m a bad human? And worst of all – is it because I don’t love my child?

It’s because something in me is wired to draw self worth, value, gratification, and fulfillment from a working environment outside the home. And is there really anything wrong with that? Do I really have to justify or explain it much more beyond that point? No I don’t!  Because that is me. And that is how God made me. Different strokes for different folks, right?  Some people choose to be police officers, teachers, fire fighters, accountants, doctors, nurses. And some people choose to be stay-at-home moms. And I’m not one of them.

But again, whats the problem? You’re going back to work. And when you are home you run a business. So what’s the deal lady?

The problem is that I’m choosing to work.

I don’t have to work. I don’t have to push constantly for my business to grow. I don’t have to go back to a dental office right now. Right now, I don’t have to work. And I know tons of women who would die to be able to stay home. My entire childhood, my working mother countlessly said, “I wish I could stay home with you girls. I wish I didn’t have to work.”  I’m sure we all have working friends who we’ve heard say, “I would give anything to be a stay-at-home-mom.”  So maybe I have a complex. If everyone else wants to do it, what’s my problem?  I actually feel insanely selfish even writing this. Saying these things out loud. But its part of my truth and its part of why I feel like a terrible mom. I am CHOOSING to go to work rather than to stay at home with my child. And the guilt is suffocating me.

I look around and I see stay at home moms thriving. Who are extraordinary. Who take their kids on fun adventures. Who do crafts. Who dress their children up and take them to the park just to take their pictures during the day. Wow! Something must be really wrong with me….because these things don’t regularly cross my mind. Instead, I’m typically thinking of how many chores I can cross off my to-do list before lunch and nap time. And to be 100% honest, deciding to start a blog has not helped my complex. The moment you start engrossing yourself into social media period, your insecurities heighten. So imagine from a “mom blogger” standpoint. The crafts. The photos. The DIYs. The adventures. All the things. All the things that just aren’t me.

I was recently having this conversation with one of the most amazing SAHMs I know. She walked away from a career to be at home with her family. And she knocks it out of the park daily.  She’s found her place and she’s thriving on all fronts. After she let me pour out my insecurities about wanting to go back to work and how I’m the worst mom on the planet she says, “Well I often feel like I’m not living up to my greatest potential. I’m smart and good at what I did and I’m settling to be JUST a mom.” What? Seriously? I literally sat there and teared up. Because in my eyes, JUST a mom is no such thing! JUST a mom is the hardest, most unappreciated, under thanked job you will ever do and in my eyes it is the MOST IMPORTANT. You are molding your children. Your greatest creations. An extension of you that will go on to impact the world long after you’re around. So in actuality, being JUST a mom is what I feel I should want to do. I should find so much value in that alone that I should be fulfilled for a lifetime. But I don’t. And I don’t know why? Adventures and crafts don’t make my wheels turn. I so SO badly wish they did. I’ve tried SO many times to make them. But they just don’t.

And in that moment, I was washing dishes. Crying. Thinking about our conversation and it dawned on me…THAT is where the guilt comes from! The feeling that there is something wrong with my internal wiring. I must not be a female right?  God gave me the ability to bring a human to life, but he must have left out my maternal instincts? I’m aborting ship and abandoning my crew.  I’m taking the easy road out. I’M not living up to MY greatest potential.

But that’s just it….it’s MY potential. Which is different from Sally’s down the street and Suzie’s next door. Its what makes the world go round. And why can’t both of our potentials work for the same common good. BOTH potentials are working towards growing kind, responsible, respectful human beings. BOTH potentials are admirable in their own right. 

So why am I writing this? It’s not because I have some magical answer on how to have it all. How to work and not feel guilty. How to balance mom life and work life. I’m literally writing this because I feel like no one else has. And THAT is why I’ve felt like a horrible mom lately. Because no one is saying “IT IS OK IF YOU DON’T ENJOY BEING AT HOME WITH YOUR CHILDREN 24/7. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD MOTHER. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU LESS OF A MOTHER. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN’T WANT FOR MORE CHILDREN. AND THIS SURE AS SHIT DOESN’T MEAN YOU DON’T LOVE YOU CHILDREN.”

IT JUST MEANS – THIS IS YOU!

-Meghan